caitlinislike

So over the weekend, the most amazing thing happened - I woke up Sunday and didn't feel tired. At all. I don't think I have felt so well-rested in about eight months. Maybe more. That's all ruined now because I was up at 5:30 to make my drive north for work, but man, it was nice to be reminded that exhaustion doesn't HAVE to be the default. Here's hoping I can recreate that feeling this coming weekend. That would be aces.

In other, completely unrelated news, my nails have officially grown long enough that they are making it difficult to type. This is a first in my 32 (almost 33, ugh) years of life, and I am both proud and sad. I'm not sure whether I'll try and adapt or cut all my beautiful nails off. Vote below. (not really unless you want to lol)

I also played some Overwatch over the weekend, which was nice. Going to try and see where I place in Comp mode this season (#15, god damn). So far I'm 1-1 in placements, but hoping I can do well going forward. It's sad to see that the majority of people I knew who played a year ago are basically all gone and moved on to other games. That's what friends do though, when you aren't around - they move on. I know that better than anyone, I've always been too willing to sacrifice people for things that seem more important and basically, I generally find that the decision makes me mostly happy, but there are always pangs for the loss. I dunno. It's extra to be upset about online friends, maybe, but for a while there it was every night, the same group of like 3-6 of us. The A Team. <3

So onto the less happy shit. Sunday I was awake in more than one way - the shroud fell away and I was literally brought to rageful tears over the mosque shootings in NZ. I had been pretty upset about them on Friday, but on Sunday... I was so angry. Angry that we live in a world where violence seems to be escalating all the time. Angry that for us in the US, it seemed like something that happens all the time, but realizing that for NZ, that was the worst fucking thing that has ever happened there, or at least has happened in a long, long time. Angry that some senator there felt that in the wake of the tragic cutting-short of 49 lives, spewing some more anti-Muslim hate into the world as a great idea. Angry that some people are reporting that he was egged but not that he retaliated but "striking the teen in the head." Glad to hear that NZ has already passed legislation to put tighter controls around gun ownership but absolutely gutted and enraged that here in the US, we allowed school children to be gunned down in their classes and did nothing to change anything. Angry because nothing here will ever change. Angry because I hate my country and hate that we are a laughing stock to the world, that we (not including me but "we" as a people) elected the hateful, animated Cheeto to the presidency... who is threatening dems with violence from his supporters.............. what the fuck is this world. And there I was crying angrily at a diner of all places to my completely bewildered boyfriend. Sometimes I wish they had over-prescribed drugs to me so I could just be fucking numb to this shit. Because it is hard to be alive when feeling so strongly about so many things and suffering and mourning people I didn't and can't ever know. Mourning for us as a world, as one people, as brothers and sisters and siblings and all the bad shit we do to one another. And for what? Money? Power? I'm not remotely religious, but what of the soul?

I'm not even remotely suicidal, lest anyone becomes concerned, I'm just tired and angry and feeling completely impotent because what can I do? Nothing.

So I remember hearing about this website back when LJ got bought by the Russians, but I didn't care enough to look into it. I was reminded about it today on Facebook, which as very exciting. I've been on a mental health care journey for about 18 months, and one of the things I have found most helpful to me has been writing in my physical journal regarding my feelings - why I'm feeling them, what is triggering them, even using the space to suss out what my feelings are. Something that winds up not going as expected can leave me feeling Bad, but what does Bad mean? Does it mean overwhelmed? Does it mean annoyed? Does it mean uncomfortable? These are things that are worthy of exploration, and that is what I have been using that journal for.

This will probably just be where I randomly post shit and hope that someone out there will care to read it. So like, yeah.

I'm suddenly self-conscious. I used to love the idea of writing a journal for the enjoyment of others, but I was younger and less suspicious generally of the internet back then. Right now I am considering every account I have linked to the screen name "caitlinislike" and I'm worrying over what content I can and can't use here because of that connection. Should've used something unrelated to anything else. Damn. Amateur mistake.

For today, the important thing for you to know is that I live in Hartford, CT but work in Cambridge, MA. Whoa, you might say, that is a hell of a commute. And you would be right. I only make the commute a couple days a week - I have been blessed with friends who let me crash the rest of the time - but you really only have to make the commute a couple days a week to be completely fucking fed up with it. I moved to Hartford in July of last year because my boyfriend lived there, and we were taking the next steps in our weird and complicated relationship. Well, it's not weird or complicated anymore, but it was for a bit, and maybe someday I'll explain all of that. Maybe not though! Anyway, though I love Hartford, my boyfriend and I have decided that we will move back to Massachusetts this summer, to make it so that we are both equidistant from our main work destinations. Since I am the bread winner and he is self-employed, it makes sense to try to accommodate me. My boyfriend was all too willing to make the move, because he knows how the commute has strained me and because, in general, we would both be much happier if I was home more, and tired less.

For now, I'm just glad it's Friday. I have been more tired than usual this week, and I am hoping to really get some good sleep in over the weekend. It was daylight savings recently, which threw me for a loop more than usual (probably because when I get up at 5am to drive north, it's pitch fucking black - they aren't saving any daylight for me, I'll tell you that!), and I've been having trouble adjusting to going to be earlier.

The boyfriend has a sign installation job this weekend, so I'll be helping him with that as well as helping him paint some signs for another job. There are a lot of things he asks me to help with at the shop that I don't love (sanding, general cleaning/organizing) but I really enjoy doing the sign work - masking, cleaning up edges, painting, etc. I generally like when I get to use power tools, too, but those are few and far between because I don't really have the training atm. Working on that little by little, but Pat (my bf) usually has too much work to take a lot of time out to teach me. I guess I hope that keeps up because I want him to make that money, but I also want to learn. It's quite a dilemma.

I guess that's all. I should be a responsible adult and get back to work now. 6 hours till freedom <3